Crossing the threshold of the corner store, I had no idea what kind of smokes I would leave with. I thought carefully about this carcinogenic decision. The impatient clerk silently bounced his leg causing my anxiety to rise. “I’ll have a pack of……uhhhhh.” His vibrating leg was now weighing on my soul. I need to make a choice before this man rattles himself apart like a bridge in an earthquake. “How much for the Sonoma’s?” I asked, knowing they are usually cheap. “Same as Mavericks.” The 6’4” sex toy replied. “I’ll take em.”
Begin review of the soft pack, full-flavor, destroyer of throats, known as Sonoma non-filter.
Sonoma non-filters were definitely not what I expected to exit the store with. They were cheap and they were different. I’ll try them.
I proceeded to open the soft pack, disposing of the foil and cellophane. I tapped the newly opened pack of smokes on the side of my hand. A few taps later, and a cigarette is born. Like a doctor birthing a child, I helped the little guy out of it’s vasiform canal. Careful, as to not break the fragile little bastard. I then welcomed it to the world with a hot flame followed by deep inhalation.
***Begin Side Note***
I would like to note, soft packs are just as enjoyable as they are a nuisance. They have a bad-ass factor to them. Like a would be attacker would not fuck with a dude who whips out a soft pack. On the other side of the fence, squish factor. Goddamn it do your smokes get destroyed. After two hours in a pocket, the cigarettes are as flat as a supermodel on the third week of fasting.
***End Side Note***
What the fuck are these things!? They reminded me of a cigarette you would steal from your grandfather as a child and smoke in the woods with your buddies. I had to make an effort not to choke on the smoke pouring from my lungs.
With each drag my throat was stabbed and my lungs scorched. Was this pack of cigarettes angry with me? It was like having one of your old homies suddenly beat the living piss out of you. Why the fuck did I choose these? I thought I had my cig smoking down fairly well, these make me feel like a noob. That giant motherfucker with his epileptic leg had rushed my rationale.
The smoke was thick and blazing. It was like trying inhale the aftermath of nine eleven. “These cigarettes fucking suck,” I thought as I neared the middle of the pack. I could not have been more stoked when I passed the halfway point. I was reaching the home stretch. Smoking usually doesn’t feel like this much of a task.
The only redeeming quality to these squares are the bumability. Bumability is the direct correlation between the price per cigarette and enjoyment per cigarette. It can be found using the following equation, [B=(ppC+1)^2/|epC|]. If I were given the pack of cigarettes free of charge, I would have enjoyed them equally. Not at all. Division by zero is not fucking tolerated!
In conclusion, this pack Sonoma non-filter cigarettes can suck my balls. Furthermore, their creator and any person who enjoys them can also suck my balls. They tasted like a full flavor cigarette, shitty tobacco. The smoke was sharp as shit and they were flattened upon first pocket. They do have a silver lining. The soft pack radiates a vibe of “don’t fuck with this guy,” and makes you feel like a badass. Finally, if you are a person who has many people bumming smokes from ya, these should be your new daily. No one will bum from you again.
It takes a certain type of person to enjoy these cigs, an asshole. Fuck these…..2 out of 5.